Now, I am mentioning no names as to respect the other party in the scenario. I doubt she'd ever read this (nor any of my real life friends); however, if she does manage to find me sometime I hope she knows how special she is to me and realizes that this is my way of getting things out so as to not make other people "in" on her business.
So, I imagine I could get some personal opinions of some of my users (either through comments or through direct message to me) and perhaps give an alternative perspective on my current situation... So here it goes.
I met a woman a few months ago (we had known each other; however, neither of us was single when we initially met the first time. The second time I "met" her she wasn't with anyone, but I respected the fact that she potentially had a mate and as such maintained my personal distance). Ok, so anyways. We have been very cozy for the last few months. She's been rather distant as far as her conscious mind is concerned due to her own reasons of one way or another. Subconsciously she sends all of the standard attractions signs. She has also stated that she is sexually attracted to me but that she has to figure some things out for herself before she "even thinks about a relationship." I've been very supportive with this and explained that we were just getting to know each other and that it was perfectly ok (and it is) that she needs to work things out. I understand how that is and have had to go through similar processes. We have talked about it several times and I have reassured her that there is no rush. No hurry. No need to think about anything other than RIGHT NOW at this point. That I understood that she was trying to change the way she typically rushed into a relationship only to be let down.
Ok, so here's the twist: After our first date, I politely asked her if I could kiss her. She got bashful and declined, saying that she didn't want to "lead me on." She apologized profusely and said that she didn't want to make me feel awkward or whatnot. I explained to her that I didn't feel awkward at all and that I respected her option of refraining from it. Well, a week or so later I had spoken to one of my female friends (who happens to be the one that we met through). She had told her "Why did he have to ask? Why couldn't he have just done it?" It was as though she was gun shy; however, she wanted it to happen and must have felt put on the spot (NEVER the intention when I ask. Always intending to be respectful and not forceful).
Ok, so all along we'd been hanging out regularly and had been cozy but not having crossed that boundary. Once I heard what I heard I had decided that I would have to take initiative. As we lay on the couch watching tv (yes, we have been THAT cozy, just no intimate interaction). I turn her towards me and passionately kiss her for the rest of the evening (again, restraining myself as to not push but still being very romantic and caring).
Fast forward two months (well, a month and a half... I got two paragraphs down and realized I missed out on something!). Very similar interactions occurring off and on... Not something I try every time we are together but I still flirt, tease and play my part (of course). She hands me a Christmas card that tells me a lot of wonderful things about how appreciative she is that I'm in her life and that she really appreciates me being patient with her.
Ok, so a couple of days before NYE we had hung out and I had snagged her in the kitchen and kissed her passionately, which she returned in kind. She then gave me a very lovingly smile and says "We have a very weird relationship. We're friends but we kiss and make out and stuff, but we're not together." I replied to her, "That's ok with me. And you know why it's ok to me? Because I understand where you are and I'm ok with that."
So, NYE comes and I get an invite for her and me to go out with common friends. When I invite her she says "only if my New Years kiss is from you." Ok, so I'm thinking, "Well of course that's the only way I'd have it." So we go out and we have a blast. That evening as I was about to leave her home I initiated affection towards her. We kissed for several minutes at the door and I walked her over to the couch. After about two minutes she directs me to her bedroom. Needless to say the evening ended with a very pleasant surprise for the both of us. I'll elaborate no more so as to not embarrass or disrespect the female in question. She's a wonderful woman and the time we had together was very nice.
Now here's where it gets a bit odd... So after we are together and I lay there with her for a bit (a very gentle, intimate embrace) she tells me that she really wants me to stay with her but doesn't know if she'll be able to sleep (she's been single for a few months and has built up a habit of sleeping alone. Something I've very familiar with). I explained to her that I was ok with that. I lay there for a bit with her snuggled up against me and her head on my arm. She nods in and out for about a half hour and I decide it's likely time for me to head out. I get up to leave her house at just short of 3am and clothe myself. After I get dressed I grab her robe and wrap it around her as she gets up to lock the door behind me as always.
So the next couple of days she keeps her distance and I do not see her in person. She's being quite quiet and after the second day I decide that I'm just going to give her her space and see how she is the next day. This doesn't mean we didn't text or talk; however, I definitely sensed something different about how she was acting.
By the third day I decide to text her and see what's going on. I end up heading over to her house and we have a good time hanging out and talking. We begin to talk about how she was doing and she admitted that she was worried and that that was why she had been acting weird. When I asked her what she was worried about she says "I just didn't want it to change things. I really appreciate your friendship and I really value you and you know I'm not ready for a relationship right now. That I have things I need to work through." I told her that as I had said from the first day that I understood where she was and what she was going through and that I was ok with it. We had joked about it off and on for the next 15-20 minutes at which point while she was putting on her jacket I grabbed her lapels and gently but firmly pushed her up against the wall. I told her that I "would still flirt with her and push my limits and show her affection." She smiled. I kissed her gently twice. She smiled again with her loving smile and I patted her on her rear and sent her towards the garage (we were headed out there to get some of her Christmas boxes down so she could pack back up).
That was yesterday. Today seems back to relatively normal.
As I said before, I'm sure I will receive perspective and opinions either publicly through comments or privately through direct contact. I'm ok with that and I guess that's really why I posted this in the first place. I'm a very passionate, loving, caring and chivalrous man (yes, I still believe in opening doors). I believe in loving those around you in any manner feasible and in sharing that love with them and others. Perhaps that is why I allow my heart to become so melded with others and choose to be straight forward, no lies or hiding of things and allow people to be who they are and love them for who they are.
All in all this is going to be a very difficult blog for me to post. Not just because of the woman in question but also because this blog is linked to my myspace profile of which my ex-lover is still a friend on. All but my ex-wife (not the same person), I am friends with all of my previous girlfriends and lovers and have tried very hard to maintain a loving relationship with the latest one. A year and a half later I was still in love with her and I had thought she with I. It wasn't until I came back from my holiday trip to CA that I found out that she was becoming involved with a friend of mine... Or rather, a person who was a friend before he excommunicated me from his life along with the rest of his friends a few years ago. Either way, I guess getting that news (she actually asked me if I was ok with it. Does she really expect me to be "ok" with it?) pushed me the last bit away. I really don't know if I would have been able to be with the new woman had we not made the severance a month or so before this (I had been very open and honest with her about the new girl; however, there was always a very close, loving connection between my ex and I).
I still love her and always will and it pains me to think that we may never be together forever like we had planned; however, I'd have to say that if that's what is going to make her happy then that is what she needs to do.
Ok, so enough GD rambling...
Have I been cursed to semi-friendship forever or have I been blessed with someone who really is trying to change the way she enters meaningful relationships? I typically don't EVER reveal ANY of my personal goings on out of respect for others. I also don't plan on this being up longer than a day or two just to see the response. After that point, I'll probably truncate the post and remove much of the details. I look forward to hearing some other opinions.
Take care.
6 comments:
Wow B. I am going to give you my honest opinion because you deserve it. I know you are an extremely intelligent guy. But even intelligent guys get smitten and it clouds their common sense a bit. They see what they wanna see. We all do, especially when it comes to acceptance and love.
You are so straightforward, thorough, caring and patient. From what I read, this woman in question is being very vague and elusive with you (why can't she reveal what she's "working on" in herself?). Plus she seems inconsistent, and face it, B, she is playing games. She says she doesn't want a relationship, and makes such a fuss about you asking to kiss her, then complains that you didn't just go for it. Why can't she just say it like it is?? I think perhaps she doesn't know what she wants. And do you really enjoy playing these games?
You deserve someone intelligent and sincere. She seems either lost or emotionally immature. Perhaps she's stunningly beautiful and has captured your interest, but I think you can do much better. I am glad you posted this. You've been generous with your help to me so I hope I can do the same. And I hope I haven't offended you or the woman in question.
Bottom line--she needs to play fair by coming clean. Why don't you try backing off until she figures her stuff out? That would be interesting to see how her bhavior changes. I'd love to know how it works out. Hang in!
And these reasons are exactly why I had decided today (before even writing this) to clarify what direction the whole sense of this is going in in the first place. I know some of what she's working on, and I just didn't think it would be fair to air her "dirty laundry" any more so than I needed to in order to get the message out. I honestly think that she's just worried about investing her heart and getting burned again. There have been a few times that this has happened and she's wary.
She is stunningly beautiful, but that's not the reason I'm directly attracted to her (I'm a firm believer that every woman is beautiful in some way. Not in a cliche way but literally there is almost always something that you can find that is absolutely wonderful about a woman). We have a lot of similarities (and as many differences, which is one of the reasons that I'm attracted to her) and we get along very well. She knows that I don't take any guff and won't be blamed for others' actions... That I don't care about people for who they were or who they might be in the future but for who they are TODAY (that is one of the things she loves about me)... Well, and my golden eyes, but that's a side note. :P
I had actually started to back up (as described above when I had decided to give her her space). Once we had the discussion and I told her to stop worrying so much and that we were still in our odd semi-friendly situation we were before, everything seemed to start to norm out.
I honestly feel that she's just scared to open up quickly. I've already created a nice base for a wonderful potential relationship. I just needed to get out MY side of it and get some feedback.
As for the vaguery and elusiveness, I do see your point. Unfortunately, not all women are as straight forward as I am (or as you have become! :) ) and as such it can be overwhelming a bit I suppose. It's not every day that someone isn't just trying to get into your panties and is ACTUALLY interested in establishing a mental and emotional connection with someone. I'm VERY sexual and it's been difficult to hold off; however, the result I hope may prove to be better for ME in the long run.
I appreciate your advise and will take it far from lightly. And no, you haven't offended me... lol If you knew me in person you'd know that it takes a LOT to offend me.
I look forward to hearing more of what you have to say. :)
You're determined aren't you? :) And so you shall get what you want. I will get back to you later as I am off to work now. May have to wrestle with the girls for computer time later (haven't gotten the laptop yet) but know that I haven't abandoned you. Have a great day.
Oh I wouldn't think there was an abandonment. :)
Determined? Perhaps. Usually when I set my mind to something I can continue on until I get it. This, however, isn't really one of those situations. Not that I don't want a positive end result, I just don't "hold my breath and wait" so to speak when it comes to love. I usually allow the relationship to develop as quickly or slowly as is needed.
I have already started to back off a bit. We'll see if it makes a difference in how we interact. I honestly don't feel she is playing a game. I'm usually pretty darned good at picking those up; although, it's always possible for one to become blind when they don't realize what it is they should be looking at.
Hey I'm back. I read your whole post again and I've had a new impression. I saw some similarity to my own relationship with Rob in its early days when I was still in love with Cam.
Although I really liked Rob when we met (sweet, kind, patient, honest, flirtatious, attractive) my heart was still with Cam (who I so deeply loved but couldn't "have" due to the fact that we live 3000 miles apart, couldn't relocate and had to go on living lives of our own)...man, that's a book in itself, but I'll try to keep to point.
Rob persisted, I kept hanging out with him cuz it was fun, and eventually I fell in love with him. I actually was in love with both of them at once (shit, that's complicated).
But what your situation reminded me of is that I was trying to resist Rob, though I wasn't very good at it. I tried to hold off letting him kiss me at first, then there were other barriers that eventually wore down. I'd waffle back and forth with my emotions. Could your woman be trying to resist you? (you do sound rather irrestistible lol) And then you have to wonder, could she still have feelings for someone else? Or maybe like you said, she is just scared of getting hurt again so soon.
Regardless of all this speculation, I truly believe you are beyond needing advice. You've got all the right things going for you and you will get what you want. I just needed to make sure you weren't being taken advantage of, but you've made that clear. You'll know when you've had enough. If I were you, I would push for honesty and openness. That has worked wonders for Rob & me. Communication is everything.
I wish you great happiness and satisfaction.
So I had a great talk with her this evening... And got quite a bit straightened out. Of course, the situation is still "weird" as in it's not just a friendship but not a relationship (not that I thought we were in one, but you get what I mean).
I'm certain that it's merely fear of so many things going on in her head that she thinks could go wrong... But then again, I could be thinking that she is just afraid and be totally wrong. We'll see.
Tonight when I spoke to her I asked her how she felt about the affection I showed her. She told me that she enjoyed it most of the time but then there were times when she would "feel like we were in a relationship" and would "freak out because that's not what I want right now."
As I read your reply again for the third time (I read it at work, got halfway through my reply after reading it a second time and read it again to finish this reply), it seems as though the situation is very much like yours.
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