[Life] Is Good.

Even with the ups and downs of everyday living, it seems that life is good...

I've never felt more stable than at this point in my life. Emotionally, Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. For a long time I had struggled with the whole gamut of stability in most of those areas (all but mentally. Somehow I've managed to keep my sanity through it all), and there have been many times where one or two of them have been balanced with each other but out of balance with the others... We all know that that can cause instability in one's self. The instability that causes "the world to come crashing down around us."

Emotionally I'm doing fantastic for the most part. Sometimes a little crazy in my pursuit of happiness and oneness, but all in all fantastic. To know that there are others out there that take your own lead at acceptance regardless of circumstances and share that same gift with you is an important one. I believe that it is important to love and accept those around you for who they are today... Not who they were, who they could have been or who they could be in the future. It's been a hard, long road to build up that kind of acceptance and love but well worth the travel. The older I get, the further along this road I walk... Eventually maybe I'll find complete peace within myself and the lovely quartet will balance and I'll be able to complete my life cycle feeling accomplished. I certainly have hope.

I still miss the lost love I had, but the act of her going off to date one of my friends that I had had from high school really kind of pushed me out of the realm of giving a shit anymore. I had intended on proclaiming myself upon returning from my trip to California. To tell her that I was still in love with her and to tell her that the talks we'd had had made an impact on me and that rationally what I wanted was her... She greeted me with this news and asked for my blessing. I told her that it was none of my business and that I just wanted her happy. This was a tough day for me, and now that I think about it I start to feel sorrow for waiting the five days I was gone to tell her this. I guess it was actually the best thing to happen for me because letting it go really made me feel a lot better about myself. It's been a long two years (or near there) and I needed to finally let go because she "wanted me but didn't want me" and that's not enough for me. I need a lover and someone who wants to be a part of my life, not run my life. I haven't had a chance to tell her any of my true feelings about this because I chose to separate myself from the situation as I know how my friend is with exes of his girlfriends... He's jealous and controlling. An unfortunate series of situations for her, but perhaps they may make each other happy. Tiffany, I will always love you and I'm sorry for the way things have gone; however, as I've always told you... People come into your life for a reason and when that reason is served they wane out. Thank you for spending the time we had together with me. A large portion of my heart will always belong to you, but in time perhaps that portion will not hurt so much. Losing my best friend was the worst thing to happen to me in my life.

Physically I've been in better shape, but I'm doing well. Ever the self-critical asshole, I had never seemed to accept myself for who I was. Never happy but so emotionally depressed that I didn't feel I could do anything about it... I'm done with that shit and I'm done wallowing around and being complacent with my murky life. That's not the person I am and not the person I want to be.

Spiritually I've struggled for many, many years to try and figure out how and where and who and why... It wasn't until I decided to give up trying and just let things happen as they do that I became spiritually content. I have definitively decided that there IS a creator, but what or who that creator is is beyond comprehension to the nth degree and anyone claiming to know based on things written by man are welcome to do so at their own expense and not mine own. I have accepted my life and am here for a reason. Call it survival of the fittest or creative design... Call it karma or dogma... It doesn't matter as it's all one and the same thing: Life. We may live in a perfectly monotonous solar system, surrounded by millions more of the same... Life flourishing and worshiping and wondering about us and how far WE'VE come along... Or we could be unique. Alone amidst the stars and planets and galaxies and universes... Made by a single being with all of the intent of an ant colony. Doomed to be controlled and unhappy for eternity or free and clear for that same time period. Who knows? I'll not pretend to know the answer... I am taking life as it comes.

So now that I've rambled and likely scared away the two people who actually come to visit, I'll part with the blog and perhaps return tomorrow. I'd really like to start writing every day, but I don't see that happening with how many things I've got going on all at once right now. Busy bees are happy bees.

Take care.