Even with the ups and downs of everyday living, it seems that life is good...
I've never felt more stable than at this point in my life. Emotionally, Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. For a long time I had struggled with the whole gamut of stability in most of those areas (all but mentally. Somehow I've managed to keep my sanity through it all), and there have been many times where one or two of them have been balanced with each other but out of balance with the others... We all know that that can cause instability in one's self. The instability that causes "the world to come crashing down around us."
Emotionally I'm doing fantastic for the most part. Sometimes a little crazy in my pursuit of happiness and oneness, but all in all fantastic. To know that there are others out there that take your own lead at acceptance regardless of circumstances and share that same gift with you is an important one. I believe that it is important to love and accept those around you for who they are today... Not who they were, who they could have been or who they could be in the future. It's been a hard, long road to build up that kind of acceptance and love but well worth the travel. The older I get, the further along this road I walk... Eventually maybe I'll find complete peace within myself and the lovely quartet will balance and I'll be able to complete my life cycle feeling accomplished. I certainly have hope.
I still miss the lost love I had, but the act of her going off to date one of my friends that I had had from high school really kind of pushed me out of the realm of giving a shit anymore. I had intended on proclaiming myself upon returning from my trip to California. To tell her that I was still in love with her and to tell her that the talks we'd had had made an impact on me and that rationally what I wanted was her... She greeted me with this news and asked for my blessing. I told her that it was none of my business and that I just wanted her happy. This was a tough day for me, and now that I think about it I start to feel sorrow for waiting the five days I was gone to tell her this. I guess it was actually the best thing to happen for me because letting it go really made me feel a lot better about myself. It's been a long two years (or near there) and I needed to finally let go because she "wanted me but didn't want me" and that's not enough for me. I need a lover and someone who wants to be a part of my life, not run my life. I haven't had a chance to tell her any of my true feelings about this because I chose to separate myself from the situation as I know how my friend is with exes of his girlfriends... He's jealous and controlling. An unfortunate series of situations for her, but perhaps they may make each other happy. Tiffany, I will always love you and I'm sorry for the way things have gone; however, as I've always told you... People come into your life for a reason and when that reason is served they wane out. Thank you for spending the time we had together with me. A large portion of my heart will always belong to you, but in time perhaps that portion will not hurt so much. Losing my best friend was the worst thing to happen to me in my life.
Physically I've been in better shape, but I'm doing well. Ever the self-critical asshole, I had never seemed to accept myself for who I was. Never happy but so emotionally depressed that I didn't feel I could do anything about it... I'm done with that shit and I'm done wallowing around and being complacent with my murky life. That's not the person I am and not the person I want to be.
Spiritually I've struggled for many, many years to try and figure out how and where and who and why... It wasn't until I decided to give up trying and just let things happen as they do that I became spiritually content. I have definitively decided that there IS a creator, but what or who that creator is is beyond comprehension to the nth degree and anyone claiming to know based on things written by man are welcome to do so at their own expense and not mine own. I have accepted my life and am here for a reason. Call it survival of the fittest or creative design... Call it karma or dogma... It doesn't matter as it's all one and the same thing: Life. We may live in a perfectly monotonous solar system, surrounded by millions more of the same... Life flourishing and worshiping and wondering about us and how far WE'VE come along... Or we could be unique. Alone amidst the stars and planets and galaxies and universes... Made by a single being with all of the intent of an ant colony. Doomed to be controlled and unhappy for eternity or free and clear for that same time period. Who knows? I'll not pretend to know the answer... I am taking life as it comes.
So now that I've rambled and likely scared away the two people who actually come to visit, I'll part with the blog and perhaps return tomorrow. I'd really like to start writing every day, but I don't see that happening with how many things I've got going on all at once right now. Busy bees are happy bees.
Take care.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
[Medicine] A New Kind of (Blood) Farmer
A New Kind of (Blood) Farmer :
How DARPA (and Arteriocyte Medical Systems, Inc.) May Have Solved a Blood Crisis
I have delayed a post regarding this topic due to the nature of the topic as well as wanting to give my other posts a little more life on the front page. Since I've been getting back into the swing of writing after the holidays, I figured I'd cover my own perspective on the topic:
DARPA (The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency), an agency of the Department of Defense of the United States government, has "accidentally" figured out how to create red blood cells without a donor. Basically what this agency does is research and design advancements in technology (of all types) for military use. By researching the development of tissue generation through the use of umbilical stem cells (umbilical cord blood) they have figured out a way to create red blood cells without piping bags of blood out of a donor. Now, Arteriocyte is in the process of figuring out a way to make the process more voluminous. They can create red blood cells just fine. It's the volume of what they can produce at this point that is the problem... The DARPA expects Arteriocyte to be able to create a piece of equipment that can produce 100 units of blood a week for eight weeks in addition to being 47 cubic feet. Now, to me, 47 cubic feet seems to be a bit large; however, I guess if it's got a big medical symbol on it that will prevent it from being targeted by missiles and costing us a ton of money, right? :)
And now... my take:
Could you imagine people who go into operation that need blood transfusions having all of the necessary blood to keep them alive? How about eliminating the potential for cross-contamination, disease infected or "stale" blood available for patients in need? Or how about a time when we have transfusion/dialysis machines at home and need to swagger up to the local BloodBar and order a few pints to clean out the system? Ok, so perhaps the BloodBar example is a bit out there, but you get my point. The bottom line is this could be THE next big thing in the development of the medical field specifically and mankind in general. Sure, we can all have a nice, huge HDTV; however, blood is actually becoming more and more scarce (and expensive) as the levels of donation have dropped dramatically over the past 20 years.
I think that this could actually lead into some other advancements such as turning these stem cells into cells other than blood cells (think being able to grow a finger back or creating live prosthetics... as in... "You lose a limb, we can grow one for you"). This could go a long way towards branching what our body is capable of doing and what is medically possible.
Anyways, just a quick little post on something that I'd been wanting to talk about for weeks but didn't have the time to do. :)
Take care.
How DARPA (and Arteriocyte Medical Systems, Inc.) May Have Solved a Blood Crisis
I have delayed a post regarding this topic due to the nature of the topic as well as wanting to give my other posts a little more life on the front page. Since I've been getting back into the swing of writing after the holidays, I figured I'd cover my own perspective on the topic:
DARPA (The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency), an agency of the Department of Defense of the United States government, has "accidentally" figured out how to create red blood cells without a donor. Basically what this agency does is research and design advancements in technology (of all types) for military use. By researching the development of tissue generation through the use of umbilical stem cells (umbilical cord blood) they have figured out a way to create red blood cells without piping bags of blood out of a donor. Now, Arteriocyte is in the process of figuring out a way to make the process more voluminous. They can create red blood cells just fine. It's the volume of what they can produce at this point that is the problem... The DARPA expects Arteriocyte to be able to create a piece of equipment that can produce 100 units of blood a week for eight weeks in addition to being 47 cubic feet. Now, to me, 47 cubic feet seems to be a bit large; however, I guess if it's got a big medical symbol on it that will prevent it from being targeted by missiles and costing us a ton of money, right? :)
And now... my take:
Could you imagine people who go into operation that need blood transfusions having all of the necessary blood to keep them alive? How about eliminating the potential for cross-contamination, disease infected or "stale" blood available for patients in need? Or how about a time when we have transfusion/dialysis machines at home and need to swagger up to the local BloodBar and order a few pints to clean out the system? Ok, so perhaps the BloodBar example is a bit out there, but you get my point. The bottom line is this could be THE next big thing in the development of the medical field specifically and mankind in general. Sure, we can all have a nice, huge HDTV; however, blood is actually becoming more and more scarce (and expensive) as the levels of donation have dropped dramatically over the past 20 years.
I think that this could actually lead into some other advancements such as turning these stem cells into cells other than blood cells (think being able to grow a finger back or creating live prosthetics... as in... "You lose a limb, we can grow one for you"). This could go a long way towards branching what our body is capable of doing and what is medically possible.
Anyways, just a quick little post on something that I'd been wanting to talk about for weeks but didn't have the time to do. :)
Take care.
Monday, January 5, 2009
[Personal] Outside Opinions
Now, I am mentioning no names as to respect the other party in the scenario. I doubt she'd ever read this (nor any of my real life friends); however, if she does manage to find me sometime I hope she knows how special she is to me and realizes that this is my way of getting things out so as to not make other people "in" on her business.
So, I imagine I could get some personal opinions of some of my users (either through comments or through direct message to me) and perhaps give an alternative perspective on my current situation... So here it goes.
I met a woman a few months ago (we had known each other; however, neither of us was single when we initially met the first time. The second time I "met" her she wasn't with anyone, but I respected the fact that she potentially had a mate and as such maintained my personal distance). Ok, so anyways. We have been very cozy for the last few months. She's been rather distant as far as her conscious mind is concerned due to her own reasons of one way or another. Subconsciously she sends all of the standard attractions signs. She has also stated that she is sexually attracted to me but that she has to figure some things out for herself before she "even thinks about a relationship." I've been very supportive with this and explained that we were just getting to know each other and that it was perfectly ok (and it is) that she needs to work things out. I understand how that is and have had to go through similar processes. We have talked about it several times and I have reassured her that there is no rush. No hurry. No need to think about anything other than RIGHT NOW at this point. That I understood that she was trying to change the way she typically rushed into a relationship only to be let down.
Ok, so here's the twist: After our first date, I politely asked her if I could kiss her. She got bashful and declined, saying that she didn't want to "lead me on." She apologized profusely and said that she didn't want to make me feel awkward or whatnot. I explained to her that I didn't feel awkward at all and that I respected her option of refraining from it. Well, a week or so later I had spoken to one of my female friends (who happens to be the one that we met through). She had told her "Why did he have to ask? Why couldn't he have just done it?" It was as though she was gun shy; however, she wanted it to happen and must have felt put on the spot (NEVER the intention when I ask. Always intending to be respectful and not forceful).
Ok, so all along we'd been hanging out regularly and had been cozy but not having crossed that boundary. Once I heard what I heard I had decided that I would have to take initiative. As we lay on the couch watching tv (yes, we have been THAT cozy, just no intimate interaction). I turn her towards me and passionately kiss her for the rest of the evening (again, restraining myself as to not push but still being very romantic and caring).
Fast forward two months (well, a month and a half... I got two paragraphs down and realized I missed out on something!). Very similar interactions occurring off and on... Not something I try every time we are together but I still flirt, tease and play my part (of course). She hands me a Christmas card that tells me a lot of wonderful things about how appreciative she is that I'm in her life and that she really appreciates me being patient with her.
Ok, so a couple of days before NYE we had hung out and I had snagged her in the kitchen and kissed her passionately, which she returned in kind. She then gave me a very lovingly smile and says "We have a very weird relationship. We're friends but we kiss and make out and stuff, but we're not together." I replied to her, "That's ok with me. And you know why it's ok to me? Because I understand where you are and I'm ok with that."
So, NYE comes and I get an invite for her and me to go out with common friends. When I invite her she says "only if my New Years kiss is from you." Ok, so I'm thinking, "Well of course that's the only way I'd have it." So we go out and we have a blast. That evening as I was about to leave her home I initiated affection towards her. We kissed for several minutes at the door and I walked her over to the couch. After about two minutes she directs me to her bedroom. Needless to say the evening ended with a very pleasant surprise for the both of us. I'll elaborate no more so as to not embarrass or disrespect the female in question. She's a wonderful woman and the time we had together was very nice.
Now here's where it gets a bit odd... So after we are together and I lay there with her for a bit (a very gentle, intimate embrace) she tells me that she really wants me to stay with her but doesn't know if she'll be able to sleep (she's been single for a few months and has built up a habit of sleeping alone. Something I've very familiar with). I explained to her that I was ok with that. I lay there for a bit with her snuggled up against me and her head on my arm. She nods in and out for about a half hour and I decide it's likely time for me to head out. I get up to leave her house at just short of 3am and clothe myself. After I get dressed I grab her robe and wrap it around her as she gets up to lock the door behind me as always.
So the next couple of days she keeps her distance and I do not see her in person. She's being quite quiet and after the second day I decide that I'm just going to give her her space and see how she is the next day. This doesn't mean we didn't text or talk; however, I definitely sensed something different about how she was acting.
By the third day I decide to text her and see what's going on. I end up heading over to her house and we have a good time hanging out and talking. We begin to talk about how she was doing and she admitted that she was worried and that that was why she had been acting weird. When I asked her what she was worried about she says "I just didn't want it to change things. I really appreciate your friendship and I really value you and you know I'm not ready for a relationship right now. That I have things I need to work through." I told her that as I had said from the first day that I understood where she was and what she was going through and that I was ok with it. We had joked about it off and on for the next 15-20 minutes at which point while she was putting on her jacket I grabbed her lapels and gently but firmly pushed her up against the wall. I told her that I "would still flirt with her and push my limits and show her affection." She smiled. I kissed her gently twice. She smiled again with her loving smile and I patted her on her rear and sent her towards the garage (we were headed out there to get some of her Christmas boxes down so she could pack back up).
That was yesterday. Today seems back to relatively normal.
As I said before, I'm sure I will receive perspective and opinions either publicly through comments or privately through direct contact. I'm ok with that and I guess that's really why I posted this in the first place. I'm a very passionate, loving, caring and chivalrous man (yes, I still believe in opening doors). I believe in loving those around you in any manner feasible and in sharing that love with them and others. Perhaps that is why I allow my heart to become so melded with others and choose to be straight forward, no lies or hiding of things and allow people to be who they are and love them for who they are.
All in all this is going to be a very difficult blog for me to post. Not just because of the woman in question but also because this blog is linked to my myspace profile of which my ex-lover is still a friend on. All but my ex-wife (not the same person), I am friends with all of my previous girlfriends and lovers and have tried very hard to maintain a loving relationship with the latest one. A year and a half later I was still in love with her and I had thought she with I. It wasn't until I came back from my holiday trip to CA that I found out that she was becoming involved with a friend of mine... Or rather, a person who was a friend before he excommunicated me from his life along with the rest of his friends a few years ago. Either way, I guess getting that news (she actually asked me if I was ok with it. Does she really expect me to be "ok" with it?) pushed me the last bit away. I really don't know if I would have been able to be with the new woman had we not made the severance a month or so before this (I had been very open and honest with her about the new girl; however, there was always a very close, loving connection between my ex and I).
I still love her and always will and it pains me to think that we may never be together forever like we had planned; however, I'd have to say that if that's what is going to make her happy then that is what she needs to do.
Ok, so enough GD rambling...
Have I been cursed to semi-friendship forever or have I been blessed with someone who really is trying to change the way she enters meaningful relationships? I typically don't EVER reveal ANY of my personal goings on out of respect for others. I also don't plan on this being up longer than a day or two just to see the response. After that point, I'll probably truncate the post and remove much of the details. I look forward to hearing some other opinions.
Take care.
So, I imagine I could get some personal opinions of some of my users (either through comments or through direct message to me) and perhaps give an alternative perspective on my current situation... So here it goes.
I met a woman a few months ago (we had known each other; however, neither of us was single when we initially met the first time. The second time I "met" her she wasn't with anyone, but I respected the fact that she potentially had a mate and as such maintained my personal distance). Ok, so anyways. We have been very cozy for the last few months. She's been rather distant as far as her conscious mind is concerned due to her own reasons of one way or another. Subconsciously she sends all of the standard attractions signs. She has also stated that she is sexually attracted to me but that she has to figure some things out for herself before she "even thinks about a relationship." I've been very supportive with this and explained that we were just getting to know each other and that it was perfectly ok (and it is) that she needs to work things out. I understand how that is and have had to go through similar processes. We have talked about it several times and I have reassured her that there is no rush. No hurry. No need to think about anything other than RIGHT NOW at this point. That I understood that she was trying to change the way she typically rushed into a relationship only to be let down.
Ok, so here's the twist: After our first date, I politely asked her if I could kiss her. She got bashful and declined, saying that she didn't want to "lead me on." She apologized profusely and said that she didn't want to make me feel awkward or whatnot. I explained to her that I didn't feel awkward at all and that I respected her option of refraining from it. Well, a week or so later I had spoken to one of my female friends (who happens to be the one that we met through). She had told her "Why did he have to ask? Why couldn't he have just done it?" It was as though she was gun shy; however, she wanted it to happen and must have felt put on the spot (NEVER the intention when I ask. Always intending to be respectful and not forceful).
Ok, so all along we'd been hanging out regularly and had been cozy but not having crossed that boundary. Once I heard what I heard I had decided that I would have to take initiative. As we lay on the couch watching tv (yes, we have been THAT cozy, just no intimate interaction). I turn her towards me and passionately kiss her for the rest of the evening (again, restraining myself as to not push but still being very romantic and caring).
Fast forward two months (well, a month and a half... I got two paragraphs down and realized I missed out on something!). Very similar interactions occurring off and on... Not something I try every time we are together but I still flirt, tease and play my part (of course). She hands me a Christmas card that tells me a lot of wonderful things about how appreciative she is that I'm in her life and that she really appreciates me being patient with her.
Ok, so a couple of days before NYE we had hung out and I had snagged her in the kitchen and kissed her passionately, which she returned in kind. She then gave me a very lovingly smile and says "We have a very weird relationship. We're friends but we kiss and make out and stuff, but we're not together." I replied to her, "That's ok with me. And you know why it's ok to me? Because I understand where you are and I'm ok with that."
So, NYE comes and I get an invite for her and me to go out with common friends. When I invite her she says "only if my New Years kiss is from you." Ok, so I'm thinking, "Well of course that's the only way I'd have it." So we go out and we have a blast. That evening as I was about to leave her home I initiated affection towards her. We kissed for several minutes at the door and I walked her over to the couch. After about two minutes she directs me to her bedroom. Needless to say the evening ended with a very pleasant surprise for the both of us. I'll elaborate no more so as to not embarrass or disrespect the female in question. She's a wonderful woman and the time we had together was very nice.
Now here's where it gets a bit odd... So after we are together and I lay there with her for a bit (a very gentle, intimate embrace) she tells me that she really wants me to stay with her but doesn't know if she'll be able to sleep (she's been single for a few months and has built up a habit of sleeping alone. Something I've very familiar with). I explained to her that I was ok with that. I lay there for a bit with her snuggled up against me and her head on my arm. She nods in and out for about a half hour and I decide it's likely time for me to head out. I get up to leave her house at just short of 3am and clothe myself. After I get dressed I grab her robe and wrap it around her as she gets up to lock the door behind me as always.
So the next couple of days she keeps her distance and I do not see her in person. She's being quite quiet and after the second day I decide that I'm just going to give her her space and see how she is the next day. This doesn't mean we didn't text or talk; however, I definitely sensed something different about how she was acting.
By the third day I decide to text her and see what's going on. I end up heading over to her house and we have a good time hanging out and talking. We begin to talk about how she was doing and she admitted that she was worried and that that was why she had been acting weird. When I asked her what she was worried about she says "I just didn't want it to change things. I really appreciate your friendship and I really value you and you know I'm not ready for a relationship right now. That I have things I need to work through." I told her that as I had said from the first day that I understood where she was and what she was going through and that I was ok with it. We had joked about it off and on for the next 15-20 minutes at which point while she was putting on her jacket I grabbed her lapels and gently but firmly pushed her up against the wall. I told her that I "would still flirt with her and push my limits and show her affection." She smiled. I kissed her gently twice. She smiled again with her loving smile and I patted her on her rear and sent her towards the garage (we were headed out there to get some of her Christmas boxes down so she could pack back up).
That was yesterday. Today seems back to relatively normal.
As I said before, I'm sure I will receive perspective and opinions either publicly through comments or privately through direct contact. I'm ok with that and I guess that's really why I posted this in the first place. I'm a very passionate, loving, caring and chivalrous man (yes, I still believe in opening doors). I believe in loving those around you in any manner feasible and in sharing that love with them and others. Perhaps that is why I allow my heart to become so melded with others and choose to be straight forward, no lies or hiding of things and allow people to be who they are and love them for who they are.
All in all this is going to be a very difficult blog for me to post. Not just because of the woman in question but also because this blog is linked to my myspace profile of which my ex-lover is still a friend on. All but my ex-wife (not the same person), I am friends with all of my previous girlfriends and lovers and have tried very hard to maintain a loving relationship with the latest one. A year and a half later I was still in love with her and I had thought she with I. It wasn't until I came back from my holiday trip to CA that I found out that she was becoming involved with a friend of mine... Or rather, a person who was a friend before he excommunicated me from his life along with the rest of his friends a few years ago. Either way, I guess getting that news (she actually asked me if I was ok with it. Does she really expect me to be "ok" with it?) pushed me the last bit away. I really don't know if I would have been able to be with the new woman had we not made the severance a month or so before this (I had been very open and honest with her about the new girl; however, there was always a very close, loving connection between my ex and I).
I still love her and always will and it pains me to think that we may never be together forever like we had planned; however, I'd have to say that if that's what is going to make her happy then that is what she needs to do.
Ok, so enough GD rambling...
Have I been cursed to semi-friendship forever or have I been blessed with someone who really is trying to change the way she enters meaningful relationships? I typically don't EVER reveal ANY of my personal goings on out of respect for others. I also don't plan on this being up longer than a day or two just to see the response. After that point, I'll probably truncate the post and remove much of the details. I look forward to hearing some other opinions.
Take care.
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